Happy Birthday to Me!

Well here I am celebrating my 28th birthday (hannah pauses to sing the Happy Birthday song to herself and proudly does a 28th bday dance) and you know what it doesn't feel that bad, this year and for the first time ever I havn't had my usual "August freak out" ritual which would consist of a whole lot of thoughts about "What the heck i'm doing with my life?" OR "Whats my purpose in life?" OR just generally "Help Me God ... Help Me Help Me Help Me!!".


Thinking about it there are 2 main reasons why I havn't taken part in the usual birthday ritual this year:

1. I dont have the time.. hahaha..there is so much going on with the whole NZ move thing PLUS Leaving do's, holidays, Birthdays, Housewarmings, general catch ups with people, doctors appointments, prayer meetings...Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!

2. I can see part of the plan.. I think the Freak Out ritual each year was because inside I was not only dealing with getting older but MORE SO the fact that i still didn't know what i wanted to do with my life and that frustrated me...I see part of the plan now which totally helps you to move forward...Yippee!

To be honest even though i havn't been through the freak out ritual this year i did (I feel like i'm at confession..hahaha) for a small split second go down the "closer to 30" thought pattern. Have you ever seen that F.R.I.E.N.D.S episode where Rachel turns 30?

If not you should..its really funny Rachel is totally freaking out and they are all there sitting at the kitchen table in Joey's apartment remenising about how they celebrated there 30th Birthdays.

Rachel gets to this point where she has figured it all out and feels much better about turning 30 because she doesn't want to start having kids till she's 35 but then she wants to be married for a couple of years so thats about 33 then it will take a year to plan the wedding thats 32 but then she's gunna wanna be with the guy for about 2 years before so that leaves her till she's 30 then she gets alittle sad and breaks up with her boyfriend because time is running out..hahahahahaha!

Although its funny i did have that moment where i was going through it all in my head for me and i figured out that i probably wont start to have kids till i'm 34 or 35..hahaha..then i thought whats the point of getting caught up about something i don't (at this moment and maybe never will) have any control over - life is for living and as long as I'm living it for God all the rest will sort itself out!

Which leads me to **cough cough** (hannah clears her throat)

Ladies and Gentleman I propose a toast to..... myself (of course).... May the next year be full of new adventours, new friendships and new glimpses of my creator. Take my advice Hannah - don't be so hard on yourself, keep trusting God and listen to him, love people and never stop laughing at yourself.

Till next time my friends

Hanski

Xx

Independence comes from being dependant

Well i haven't blogged for a while.. man time goes by when your having fun..hahaha! Can you believe it is August already?? CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAZY!!!!!!

So this last weekend has been super crazy as I damaged my back on Friday afternoon somewhere between going to the gym and getting up to make a cuppa tea at 4pm, it is the weirdest thing i've experienced for a while. I felt shooting pain in my back followed by shaking, the sweats and a quick pep-talk to myself about not passing out OR vomiting.

To cut a long long long story short, this is what happened:

- My friend Lorraine found me in the kitchen & helped me to her desk, I couldn't walk

- There was a decision made that an ambulance get called

- The only option to walk out of the office was by inhaling gas and holding onto a paramedic

- Multiple tears were had in the A & E waiting room

- Ps Mark & Monica came to look after me and keep me company

- Got wheeled around the hospital by Monica trying to find a disabled toilet that was actually open, i think it was the 3rd one in the end.

- Was told I had a sprained muscle in my back and had an infection, got given alot of medication.

Somewhat of a surreal night really..heehehe

I try not to worry about why this happened to me? Or What does this mean? deep down inside i think i know why but the thing that i have had to really tackle through this whole experience is laying down my independence. When you are injured you obviously can't do everything like you used to, you need help, you have to rely on people to get you things, to drive you places and even to help you walk or get up from your chair - what is it about that type of dependence on people that makes me cringe, I suppose nobody wants to be the charity case do they. Which is stupid because they are your friends so your not a charity case AND if they were in your position you would do exactly the same thing...so really its silliness but more importantly i think its pride.

We are all independent in one way or another but it got me thinking about being less proud, less dependent on myself, on my thoughts, my ways and more dependent on God! By being fully dependent on God it allows us to be independent, free to live this life for him that's bursting at the seems, living to the max, guided by and open to the Holy Spirit without restraint...Now that's gutsy and i like it!! hahaha!

So how do you fully depend on God and not on your own strength, your own achievements, your own intellect, your own talents...I think KNOWING God helps..like really knowing that he loves you and wants the best for you then your more likely to trust him with everything. Its also got to be a choice every day, sometimes every second of everyday - if not its that picture of giving the steering wheel of your life over to God, giving him the permission to drive but then somehow slowly and ever so creepingly (is that a word???) seeing your hands get back on the steering wheel.

I'm not sure i have all the answers to how you be dependent on God but I think it happens when we realise that we can't do this life how he intended without him. Just acknowledging that is a start..

Xxx